Men who are my age and brought up during the Gen X era and earlier, were raised to believe that any outward display of emotions, especially emotions considered week like sadness, embarrassment, fear, grief, anxiety and even love was not manly.  This wasn’t something that was taught or that we learned because of some indoctrination.  It was simply the way it was growing up in a hyper masculine environment where any show of weakness or femininity by a man was frowned upon, ridiculed, and often considered gay.

I told my Princess that I wasn’t going to journal about the same epic sex and self play sessions that I have almost every weekend because it feels redundant, but yesterday and Sunday were truly epic.  I have talked before about how playing with my boy pussy isn’t just an addiction, at times it becomes an overwhelming need.  That has been the case the last few weeks and today marks the first day in at least two weeks when my ass went unplugged, fucked, fisted, or plowed with huge dildos (although the day is young, so we’ll see what happens when I get home).

It has certainly been a while since my last journal entry and unfortunately our FLR has been on hold for some time.  It’s hard to explain why we took a break, but it started with my Princess being sick and then my knee arthritis flared up which made it hard for me to do my chores.  Regardless, I miss it now and will discuss reengaging with Her this weekend.  When we were focused on the dynamic, I felt more connected to Her and completely open and useful.  I also enjoyed the accountability and even when I broke rules or mistreated Her, I knew the result of that transgression, usually punishment, was deserved and helped us maintain a different level of closeness in our relationship.  There is something finite about being paddled until sore by Her, then apologizing and hugging with forgiveness.  I’ve journaled before that the feeling is cathartic, relieving and puts closure on a rift in our partnership, and I think we are lacking without the dynamic.  With that said, I am hopeful that we can have our normal Sunday morning discussion and agree upon how we reengage the dynamic.

It has been a rough week for us and last weekend was uneventful. We planned couch play with vibrating butt plugs and me watching Her masturbate with Her new rechargeable magic wand, but on Sunday after I finished my chores and we grocery shopped, we were tired from a long work week, so we crashed on the couch. Monday was Her birthday and although we planned to have a sex room scene like we have had every weekend for months, we went out to breakfast, went for a walk through a local park garden, and spent some time at the beach. I tweaked my knee, so I wasn’t up to anything sexually aggressive anyway and by the time we got home, we just needed to relax.

We had a fun weekend, as usual. No real power exchange, but I think we both just needed to get off and to feel passion for each other. Sometimes it’s just about sex and each of our basic needs. Fucking, fisting, magic wand, anal, oral, vibrating butt plugs, the usual and as usual, it was incredible, and we shared intense orgasms.

In my last post, I talked about how my Princess was planning our sexual play for last weekend and taking a dominant role in not just the planning, but in the activity.  It wasn’t a normal weekend for us because on our first day off, we attended a birthday party and stayed over at a relative’s house.  That meant that the day that we usually have a precursor event like mutual couch masturbation, a CBT session, spankings, pampering, etc., we didn’t.  Those days are not just a great deal of fun, but they set-us up for our second day off which is when we have sex and a lengthy play session. They also make me incredibly horny for Her.

I’ve journaled about this before, but my Princess rang Her little servants bell from bed yesterday, signaling for me to stop doing my chores and to climb in bed with Her and finish Her masturbation session with my tongue.  I ran in (I was already naked since I’m supposed to be either naked or in my sissy maid’s outfit when I do my chores) and climbed in bed between Her legs and immediately began licking and sucking Her clit and pussy. She was already very wet, and Her clit was swollen from Her self-play, so She came quickly. I spent the rest of the morning before I showered with Her smell all over my face and Her taste on my tongue.

I’ll start by just covering off on some of our activities last week before diving into certain elements of our FLR and D/s.  As I mentioned in my last entry, our focus of late regarding the dynamic is for me to learn how to be a better sub for Her by being more respectful and obedient, by finding more ways to offer true acts of service and gift giving, and by helping Her learn to be Dominant in every aspect of our lives including the bedroom.  I made a comprehensive list of BDSM acts that I give Her consent to perform on me including a rating system that describes how important they are.  I also included every soft and hard limit act too so that there is no ambiguity about what I consent too.  Although, She has a pretty good idea of my fetishes, kinks, likes and dislikes, we’ve never gotten this detailed.  I’ll figure out how to add it the website at some point, but we had a great discussion about the list and reviewed in full detail on Sunday and then watched some feminization porn before heading to the bedroom where She practiced CBT with e-stim on my balls and cock, clothespins, smacks and tugging, and sounding.  As She sounded me and the e-stim was shocking my balls, I slowly jerked my cock on Her command and then She demanded that I cum.  She removed the e-stim and I came in my hand.  That was followed up with me licking Her pussy and using the magic wand on Her to multiple orgasms.  We were plugged with vibrating butt plugs the entire time also.  I certainly think She is starting to get the hang of this!

When we agreed to enter this dynamic, most of what we talked about and how we designed our FLR was on the basic principle that She would lead me.  Naturally, there are cross over elements in a FLR with BDSM specifically as it relates to the Dom/sub dynamic.  My Princess and I have discussed the fact that taking our relationship to another level will involve really diving in deep to the BDSM aspect of this.  As I’ve journaled, I am naturally submissive and a masochist, so any BDSM scene that involves me being used to Her desire and for Her pleasure, excites me.  In some ways, I just assumed that She would take a more dominatrix like role with me and our discussion this weekend focused on the reality that although She is an incredible leader, She is not naturally dominant.  Believing that somehow, She would know how to dominate me, is an unrealistic expectation.

I’ve read articles that talk about different kinds of submissives and wondered how anyone can simply be only one kind.  Subs can fall into various categories including finsub (giving up financial control to the Dom), bedroom sub (just in the bedroom), domestic discipline bottom, pet sub, slave sub, model sub, masochist sub, bottom sub, service sub, or brat sub.  I know for me; my submission falls in many of these categories.  I am a domestic discipline sub, somewhat of a slave sub, a masochist sub, a service sub, and I think my Princess would agree that I can be a bratty sub too. 

I’ve not journaled in a while, mostly because we have been crazy busy at work, but also because we had to put down our 18- and 17-year-old chihuahuas at the same time and the loss hit my Princess and I hard.  In addition to the love that we had for them and how important they were to us, they gave us a reason to go home and take care of them.  Without them, we stayed at work instead and that time together at home was an opportunity for us to reconnect during the work week on our relationship.

The last few weeks, we have been so busy, maintaining the dynamic has been hard.  Generally, Tuesday through Saturday we have a straightforward routine that includes the basics of our roles and now with us being so busy at work, we are usually too tired when we get home to do much in the way of teasing, playing or pampering.  In fact, I’ve done very little for/to myself in a few weeks also.  I did edge a bit yesterday and got a good amount of cum to suck up, but no shower play, and no self-spankings.