Reflecting Upon Vulnerability

Men who are my age and brought up during the Gen X era and earlier, were raised to believe that any outward display of emotions, especially emotions considered week like sadness, embarrassment, fear, grief, anxiety and even love was not manly.  This wasn’t something that was taught or that we learned because of some indoctrination.  It was simply the way it was growing up in a hyper masculine environment where any show of weakness or femininity by a man was frowned upon, ridiculed, and often considered gay.

Everything that surrounded us growing up portrayed men as the dominant sex and women as weak and generally subordinate to men.  It’s important to note that this was post the 1960’s when arguably the women’s rights movement, free expression, free love, and feminism gained popularity. However, the ideas that a women could be more than a homemaker and mother, were still obscure as I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s.

In many ways, I am enlightened today regarding the strength, power and brilliance of women and much of our society has grown to recognize that also.  However, many things have not changed regarding the expectation of a man’s outward display of emotion or masculinity.  It is not commonplace, as an example to see a man cry on TV or in movies, yet we do.  I personally am a very emotional person who cries at even the sappiest movies or when experiencing almost any level of grief or even when I’m proud of my kids or my country.  I stand with my hand over my heart when I’m attending an event where the National Anthem is played and if that is followed by any military pomp and circumstance, I’ll be weeping.

I say all that because there is a level of vulnerability that a man like me must allow when I let my emotions get the better of me.  Vulnerability is defined as a state of exposure with the possibility of being harmed either physically or emotionally.  So even today, with greater acceptance of men’s emotions, I am guarded with my emotions and am guarded against feeling vulnerable.  I think that is quite natural for men and probably for women.  In public, any unforeseen or unplanned expression of vulnerability creates inhibitions that cause me to not act naturally, and makes me guarded.  Again, I think that is still normal today for most men. 

Being vulnerable without inhibitions or self-consciousness in my opinion is the ideal state of life.  In other words, allowing oneself to be exposed by openly displaying feelings and emotions without concern of ridicule, allows the person inside to be on full display.  Therefore, I belief people inherently have a public and a private persona.  The public person generally plays a role that he beliefs society wants him to play, while the private person is that uninhibited and vulnerable person.

That is how I see my life today.  It took many, many years for me to understand that the person I played on the outside, was not who I was on the inside and even through my long marriage, it took knowledge, self-awareness, communication, and experimentation for me to break down all the barriers and truly allow myself to be the person on the outside that I feel like inside.  Over a period of several years, as I learned more about me, my Princess accepted every reiteration of me without judgement or ridicule and eventually my private persona came to life.

At home, I enjoy expressing my submissive and feminine side by cross dressing and being dominated sexually and in our home life by my Princess.  I also have realized that I am masochistic and enjoy pain and the thrills that come with it and although being sadistic isn’t in Her nature, She is making an incredible effort to please my needs.  Without fear of ridicule or judgement, I am completely open and vulnerable with Her and that feeling is mind blowing.

This past weekend like most weekends, we engaged in a passionate sex room scene that reached new levels of incredible.  I struggle to think of a more vulnerable position for a heterosexual man to be in then naked or wearing lingerie with my ass in the air while my Princess pounds away at my asshole with huge dildos and Her fist/arm.  In that moment, I am completely exposed and have absolutely no fear of emotional harm.  Together, in that room, we are free with only one purpose, to provide each other with overwhelming stimulation.  By the end, we are a quivering heap of happiness covered in cum, spit, piss, lube and sweat.  Being free and completely exposed to the person that I have loved so incredibly deeply for more than 35 years is pure bliss.