Princess Appreciation Day

I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit lately. I listened to a podcast that was voiced by a dominatrix,
and she answered the question “Who has the real power in a D/s scene”. Many would assume since a
D/s scene is considered a power exchange, the Domme holds all the power and control, but the sub
controls pretty much everything. The most important part of any D/s relationship includes excellent
communication and as a part of that communication, the sub provides approval to the Domme for every
action that he consents that She can do to him. That is a basic tenant of a “real” BDSM relationship. If
you’ve watched the Armie Hammer documentary that highlights his fall from grace because of
accusations of sexual assault, you’d understand the difference. He portrayed his actions with
unsuspecting women as BDSM, but the things that he was doing to his victims was not consented to
prior to the act. Furthermore, the sub in a real BDSM scene always has an escape using a safe word.
Hammer’s victims did not have any way to get him to stop doing to them what he was doing and even
when they said no or begged him to stop, he continued. That is assault and not BDSM.

That distinction is vital and really drives home the point that although the sub has accepted the
Domme’s control in a scene, the actions of the Domme are limited to those that She has consent to
perform and the sub can stop any action by simply using his safe word. Our safe word has always been
“yellow” to signify that Her actions are approaching a level that might be too intense and that She
should slow down, reduce force, or lessen the impact. We use “red” to signify an immediate need for
Her to stop because I’m no longer feeling safe, I’ve exceeded my pain threshold, or am uncomfortable
with what She is doing to me. It’s important to note too, that in addition to verbal signals, visual signals
need to be employed if the sub is gagged. We’ve not discussed this aspect as our recent BDSM play has
not gotten that extreme, but we will need to discuss.

Along similar lines as the dynamics of the power exchange in the bedroom, our lives outside the
bedroom are defined by the tenants of our agreed upon FLR. I am Her submissive and She oversees me
and manages my behavior. My responsibilities are to take care of Her by keeping our house clean,
feeding Her, supporting Her physical and emotional needs, and providing services (we call pampering)
like giving Her massages, scrubbing Her back, and painting Her toenails. The picture represents my effort
last week. She holds me accountable to these things while at the same time, providing me guidance to
improve my behavior to be a better person for Her, and is responsible for my motivation. Without
motivation, I’d feel that my efforts aren’t appreciated and my motivation usually comes from how She
teases and objectifies me.

There is no doubt that my role in this is much less complicated and hard. I simply have to do, while She
has to manage and control and if I am having a bad day, She has to figure out how to treat me while
keeping me headed in the right direction. Together in the five plus months we have been engaged in this
dynamic, we have learned so much and have gotten so much from our experiences, and as I have shared
before, we are closer than ever, more intimate than ever, more open, and honest than ever, and have no
regrets for adopting this lifestyle.
I wanted to speak to the differences in our roles, both in and out of the bedroom, because some might
think that because of the hard work and the submission, my role is more challenging than Her’s but I
would argue that the role She plays, although comes naturally to Her, is by far more difficult. I want to
celebrate Her as we approach Her birthday next week by recognizing Her in my journal and thanking Her
for being the most amazing woman, Domme, leader, mentor and partner a kitty could have.